Parenting With Confidence: Quieting the Inner Critic and Trusting Yourself (Podcast and Transcript)
- Michelle Robertson
- Jun 18
- 31 min read
Last month, I was privileged to be a guest on SOS Radio Live's "Stories of Survivor's" podcast with my friend Serina Dansker. Serina, who lost her 16-year-old son Scott to suicide a few years ago, is magically transforming her own grief into hope and healing, touching the lives of so many with stories on her wonderful and uplifting podcast that I encourage you to tune into every Sunday at 1:30 p.m. on SOSradio.live.
Serina and I broke down the challenges facing parents today, including managing parental stress, redefining what success looks like, supporting our kids' unique journeys, and accepting that their path might look different from what we imagined.
Together, we explored how parents can learn to silence their relentless inner critics and embrace a more confident, connected, and compassionate approach to raising children. Serina's team provided this description of the episode: "From everyday struggles to deep emotional reflections, Michelle offers practical insights, mindset tools, and heartfelt encouragement for caregivers at every stage of the parenting path. Whether you’re a new parent or a seasoned one, this episode is your reminder that trusting yourself is the greatest gift you can give your child—and yourself. Tune in for wisdom, support, and a fresh perspective that just might change the way you parent forever."
About SOS~Stories of Survivors:
Stories of Survivors* is a transformative and empowering show where the triumph of the human spirit takes center stage. Hosted by Serina Dansker, this show brings together real-life stories of people who have faced life’s darkest challenges—whether it’s surviving illness, overcoming trauma, the unimaginable pain of losing a child, or battling adversity—and emerged stronger, wiser, and more resilient. At *Stories of Survivors*, we believe in the power of shared experiences, creating a safe space for difficult conversations about mental health, loss, and pain, while offering practical advice and real-world strategies to help you rise above your own challenges. Every episode features a courageous guest who shares their personal journey of survival and the lessons they’ve learned along the way. Their stories will inspire and uplift you, reminding you that no matter what obstacles you face, there is always hope, strength, and a way forward. What makes *Stories of Survivors* truly special is its heart-centered approach, providing not just comfort but a roadmap for healing and thriving. Through moments of reflection, deep interviews, and engaging activities, you’ll walk away with actionable tips, life-changing mindset shifts, and a renewed sense of purpose. Tune in every week to discover that you are not alone—and that your own story of resilience is waiting to be written. Together, we’ll find hope, strength, and success in the face of adversity.
Transcript:
Serina Dansker
Hi and Welcome back to sos stories of survivors. I'm your host, Serena danske, and today I have an amazing guest, Michelle Robertson. She's a parenting coach, a speaker, a former PR powerhouse. She's traded her campaigns for connection. She now works with parents who feel overwhelmed, especially when raising their teens. She helps them quiet their inner critic, reconnect with their instincts, and shift from self doubt to grounded confidence. If you've ever shared if you've ever stared at your teenager and thought, is this normal? Then this is a conversation for you, because you are definitely not alone. Michelle, welcome, and let's start with the big question, why does parenting feel so hard today, especially for those raising teens?
Michelle Robertson
Oh, well, Serena, thank you so much for having me, and what a beautiful introduction. Why does parenting feel so hard? Well, in short, because it is so hard, it's so hard. And one of the things I talk a lot to my clients about is just how different our upbringing was from our children's upbringing. Oh gosh, yeah, it's 180 degrees different. We had none of the of the quote, unquote, tools that our kids have that are making their lives so difficult, knowledge of what other people were doing most of the time. So the comparison was not in existence to the degree it is today. So that, in and of itself, makes it so hard, and it's hard for us to relate to our kids a lot of the time. And we try, we try and we try, but it just, I think it's really the comparison and the fact that our we as adults are also comparing ourselves to the beautiful pictures that we see on Instagram and Facebook and social media. And so that comparison leads to a lot of heartache. And there, and I can go into, I mean, there, there was a surgeon general warning last year, late last year, a surgeon general advisory about the effects of stress on parents. That is like an Surgeon General advisory about the effects of smoking on one's health. So parental stress is real. It is real. It is so real that the Surgeon General is warning about adverse effects.
Serina Dansker
That's just insane. I mean, you know, I think back to my own childhood, knowing my mom, you know. Just let me, you know. I mean, as long as I was home by dinner, you know, or if I wasn't going to be I called in, I just, you know, did my own thing. I I never even turned to her. A lot of times when I was struggling with friends and stuff like that, because what would she know?
Michelle Robertson
Right? There was a lot less fear back then. It seems we are all really afraid a lot of
Serina Dansker
the time. Yeah, what are some of the biggest challenges that you hear from parents in your sessions?
Michelle Robertson
Oh, gosh, it runs the gamut. I mean, you know, just regarding fear, I feel, I feel like that is sort of the undercurrent of everything that is, that is what drives so many issues, is that we parent from a place of fear, and that results in over parenting and hovering. It results in, you know, not doing a whole lot of listening to our kids. It and so as a result, we're talking at them, and we're lecturing a lot versus trying really to relate to them and listening and being really curious and that. And you know, by constantly lecturing, you're sort of reading a separation because no one wants to be lectured
Serina Dansker
to. No, no, no, you're right. You're right that, yeah, I think the whole fear factor is, I mean, we're so afraid of making a mistake, you know, and and, you know, there's that that leads to the whole perfection thing, which I'll totally want to dive in with you later. But you know, I know that you in your own career. I mean, you've, you've made a pretty big shift from a career in PR to coaching parents. And I'm just curious what drew you to this path. You know, what inspired you?
Michelle Robertson
What's your spark? My spark was my own experience in parenting, and how hard it it was, and how rewarding it is now, but in the thick of it, my my kids are the very best thing in my life, but raising them, I often felt really ill equipped. I really, you know, I often my kids who are literally like two of my very best friends today, thank god you know when they're they're 17 and 20 now, but when they were little, both of them were diagnosed with ADHD. My daughter was has dyslexia and dysgraphia and of other learning differences, and it resulted in in school being really hard for them, and as a result, life kind of was hard when they're when you know, you go to school all day and it's hard, yeah, come home and the safe person to take your frustration out on his mom and...I don't think I didn't get the memo about that, and so I had to really, like, sharpen My Skills regarding responding versus reacting, yeah, patience, empathy and really understanding that my kids were struggling and they weren't like while it was being taken out on me. In some cases, it wasn't about me at all, right? It was about what they were going through, and so shifting that mindset took some time. But I think it's hard for and I think that's sort of like a very universal feeling with a lot of parents, regardless of your child's profile is, you know, we take things personally, and we think that it should be Pollyanna and leave it to Bieber, and it's it's often just not, especially in today's time that we live in and and so in experiencing my own hardship through parenting, I wanted to somehow channel that in a way To help other people. And so I shifted my career when my father got sick a lot, you know, gosh, it's been like almost 10 years now. He was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I kind of that was my epiphany, that I wanted to a be there for him, and the remaining months he had left, and then I wanted to be able to be more present with my kids, because I was running a PR business, and it was, it was all encompassing. And so I shifted and slowly decided, you know, slowly learned that my my laser focus on my kids, wasn't really helping them like it was a little bit too much. I had taken everything I was doing with my business that I was running to parenting, and so it was a slow process of kind of figuring out, you know, okay, let's learn how to do this better. And then I wanted something fulfilling for in life to do, and I found coaching, and it's been great night. And I coach people across the board. I coach a lot of parents, but I coach people who are, who are, you know, not parents or not struggling with parenthood. So it's been really, I It's an extremely rewarding career. It's it's a lot, it's very fulfilling, and just being able to help people is is awesome.
Serina Dansker
That's so amazing. And you are such a bright light that shines, and you have so much to offer. So I'm, I'm so happy that you found this career, because it suits you so well. Thank you, Serena, so nice of you to say. I figured, well, I'll take a little fun, a fun question here, what's, what's one thing that you never imagined yourself saying as a parent, but You totally do.
Michelle Robertson
Oh, god. Okay, so I could go really inappropriate. I'm not gonna go there. But one thing that I that, I think that I learned to say, and it's resonating right now, because this just happened, my son is in college, and he's been having a really great semester, awesome after not some So, not so great semesters. Um, and he he entered college. So just as a little backstory. He entered college right after breaking his neck,
Serina Dansker
oh my gosh
Michelle Robertson
And, as his neurosurgeon, said he was a sneeze away from being a quadriplegic or dying. I ever told you that Serena and so this kid who is, I mean, he has such fortitude and bravery and perseverance,
Serina Dansker
wow,
Michelle Robertson
picked himself up, had neurosurgery, had his spinal cord fixed, in short, and went to college the next week,
Serina Dansker
the next week, oh my God, to go to college.
Michelle Robertson
So, um, and I literally was, it doesn't really matter what my reaction was, but you can imagine I was like, Oh my God, I don't think I can let this kid go. And so anyway, he going, I know when we didn't know this, but we were like, Okay, well, he wants to go. Let's let him go to college. So he went to college, and it was hard, really, really hard for him, and mostly because this kid was traumatized, yeah, yeah. I mean, he had had a near death experience and and he hadn't dealt with that trauma. Yeah. Fast forward, he is a second semester or the last semester sophomore, and he has picked it up. I mean, he is like, transformed. He has figured it out, and I'm beautiful, proud of him. He set his expectations for himself so high, and he, I mean, he just sort of like told himself he was going to get straight A's, and then when that didn't happen, was so self flagellating. I think he was so he got a bad grade on a test, and he called us, and he's like, I'm done. And this is what he does. He he, um, catastrophizes, and as many of us do,
Serina Dansker
oh yes and yes, it's, it's terrible and
Michelle Robertson
but he ended up with a B in the class. But I said to him, and this is something I would never have said when I was just learning how to be a parent. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. Like, a you're alive. Like, that's my biggest like, amen, amen to that. And B, like, it's one test. This is a blip in your whole life. Yes, um,
Serina Dansker
who cares? That's, you know, that's such a great point, Michelle. And you know, being on this journey that I'm on too, I can totally relate to what you're saying. For some reason, the younger people today, they put so much pressure on themselves to be perfect, to be the absolute best, and when they don't get that A that 95 or above, they're so disappointed in themselves and and feel like they're disappointing us and everyone else around them, and that there's no coming back from this. And it's like, give yourself grace, please. You're not perfect. You know, by any means, none of us are. It's a journey, right? And a B is good, a
Michelle Robertson
C is good. I mean, like, you know, it doesn't matter. It just doesn't and so I have parents who I coach, who have middle schoolers, and to them, they see the path ahead. They see, oh, he didn't do his homework today. That means, and that's where the catastrophication starts. He didn't do his homework. That means he's not going to get us to the next level of math in high school, and that means he won't be as eligible for these top schools, and that means that he won't have a career in blah, blah, blah, you know, parents can May I probably, probably back in middle school, set the stage for his thinking, you know, I mean, I I don't even realize
Serina Dansker
that. You know what you're saying. Yeah. It's yeah.
Michelle Robertson
So, so I think we have to be really on guard, starting at an early age, while the pressure that we're putting on these guys, because we it really, truly doesn't matter. And I don't know that you can really know that until you have older kids. I really don't think that the stakes are as obvious, and maybe it's because of what we've seen and what we've endured. Maybe I don't know, I don't know what it is, but I know that when I would my kids were in middle school, I was very much of a person who looked ahead and tried to, like, solve for, you know, getting into that school
Serina Dansker
who cares? Yeah, exactly it doesn't.
Michelle Robertson
They will get into college. That's what I tell everyone. They will get into college. They will get into the school that's right for them, yes, and absolutely, um, their mental health is the very top priority, you
Serina Dansker
know. And it brings me to my next question, because so many parents feel like they're failing if their kid doesn't get into an Ivy League or into the best possible school, and you know, even when they're giving it their all. But where? Where is this pressure coming from? I mean, can you talk about that a little bit?
Michelle Robertson
I think it's really interesting that we parents take our kids performance as a referendum on how we parent. And I think it's really important to know, to to know and accept the fact that our kids are individuals. Yeah, they are of their own nature, probably more than they are of who we nurture, you know. And they we, we take so much responsibility on ourselves for who they become, yeah, and at the end of the day, they are who they are. And I think if we can just accept that at an earlier age and be okay with who they are, they are going to be more okay with who they are.
Serina Dansker
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. If they
Michelle Robertson
aren't the cookie cutter of whoever the excellent kid is in your town. That's okay, that's okay. They are an excellent version of themselves. They're their own unique being. And we are so we are so influenced by social media other people, you know, and if we can, this is back to the social media thing and the stress that we're all under. Yes, we can put blinders onto that and just accept who these little people are for who they are, everyone will be happier.
Serina Dansker
I agree with that. I mean, it's so easy to, you to, you know, compare yourself to the Joneses or and you know, well, little Johnny, you know, is in the advanced math, but my little Sally, you know, is just scraping by and needs help, you know. And as a parent, you're constantly, you know, criticizing, or feel like you've, you know, you have that inner critic in there and, and, I mean, it does show up in your parenting, too. I mean, it must, right? Yeah.
Michelle Robertson
I mean, we all, especially where we live in a very hard driving area of the country. And I think there are a lot of these areas, but we happen to live in one of the most hard driving area of the country, outside of New York City, there are a lot of very excellent, brilliant people that expect excellence and brilliance from their offspring, and that is contagious. And while it can be a good thing for some people, because that's an example they aspire to and can achieve. That's just not who everybody is. That's not to say they're not excellent, but they're not going to be like not everyone's the master of the universe and and that's great. We don't want everyone to be a master of the universe. That would be a pretty miserable example. Miserable existence, right? Yes, so, yeah, I don't know. I don't know the answer, other than just kind of wild acceptance, aggressive, violent acceptance of who you created
Serina Dansker
and who they are, and just Yeah, to love the people that they are. I mean, you often talk about trusting your intuition, you know, and you know, sometimes you're, you know you're in the middle of chaos where you're you know the child is lashing out at you because they had a bad day at school. Maybe they didn't get the a on the test. Maybe they didn't get picked to start in the lineup of whatever sport they're in, you know, and it's all coming down on you and you know, as a parent, how do you reconnect with that, that intuition, that inner voice, you know? Do you have any tools or advice, I have a few
Michelle Robertson
things I'm going to actually just make myself a note here so I don't lose sight. There's a few things. First of all, you mentioned inner critic? Yeah, not, not a single human being on this planet doesn't have at least one inner critic, but often many. Yeah, and those are the voices in our head who are telling us we're not good enough. We're not smart enough, not enough in whatever way. We're not doing it well enough. We're not we're screwing up. Those voices come from any number of sources in our lives. It can come from like a great I have a client who channels she attributes one of her inner voices to her great, great grandmother, Barbara, who came over from Germany and is like complete, you know, psycho about cleanliness and neatness and tidiness and, you know, so, so it doesn't even need to be someone immediately in your life. But these inner voice, these, very loud inner critics drown out the extremely wise inner wisdom that we all also have. It's a very quiet voice in our It's the voice of our soul, I believe, yeah, and it lives within us, and we have to get very quiet in order to hear it, and that's the intuition that you're talking about. Yes, and I have, I have a client who talks about, I think it's a great term margin. She's like, I she has four kids. She's like, I have no margin because she's four kids. One of her kids is autistic and is, you know, a tough, more challenging person to raise and and, and she's like, I with everything going on, I have no margin to like, just reconnect with myself. He's making a very conscious effort to create space for herself, which is so important, so important we lose sight of good, the importance of giving ourselves grace, giving themselves that time, that quiet time to close our eyes and reconnect with that Wise inner voice that lives in all of us. And when we can do that regularly, lots of change happens. You're much more balanced. You're much more dismissive of your inner critics that are squawking in your ear about how you're not doing it well enough and then talking to someone about it like, I mean, you we treat therapy or coaching as a nice to have as something I don't really have time for that. I don't really need it. A single soul on this planet who wouldn't benefit from just talking to a rejected third party, absolutely, you know, and just, you know, hashing some stuff out. Every single time I have meeting with clients, they walk away saying, oh my gosh, I'm so happy that we just talked through that I never would have been able to come to those conclusions on my own. And I'm not telling them what to do. They're coming, they're they're coming to their self awareness completely on their own, just by me asking
Serina Dansker
them questions. And that's the beautiful part of it. I mean, you know, it's just that, that when you're in the throes of life, it's so hard to calm your mind enough that you can pivot and see, you know, I guess the forest beyond the tree, you know,
Michelle Robertson
totally, oh my gosh. It's so funny that you say that the very the top image of my website is just the light coming in through a forest, and that light is wisdom. It is it really, if we don't pay attention to it, we don't see it, and we don't get the benefit of it, yeah?
Serina Dansker
So, so, you know, let's get a little practical. You know, how do you help a parent go from being in that reactive state to being more reflective when the tensions are running high, you know, when you want to flame the pot of pasta and just go, I'm done,
Michelle Robertson
yeah, oh, my gosh. Beautiful guest hasn't been there. It's such a human experience with zero judgment. But it does take intentionality. It does take tools. I have a number of them, one very simple, two very simple ones. I'll pass along right now. Simply by putting your hand on your heart, is a calming method of bringing down the temperature of just whatever is happening in your brain. It is, it stimulates the vagus nerve, and it, it brings, it brings you into a better sense of calmness. So if all else fails, deep breath, hand on heart,
Serina Dansker
I love that I feel calm already, right.
Michelle Robertson
Taking walking away, not engaging is so okay. Knowing that you don't have to win an argument, accepting that you don't have to win an argument is so key. We feel like, I mean, I think it's probably the way that we were parented. Yeah, my way or the highway. Yeah. I don't know, a lot of us had that parent. Oh yeah. It really like, you know, it's you. We all know that we are in charge. But one little argument with your kid. If you're dysregulated, just walk away, go, take space for yourself.
Serina Dansker
Yeah, that's great advice.
Michelle Robertson
It's, it's, it's, it's sometimes really hard to to act on, because we we think we have to win. Yeah, it gets competitive, and it also depends on how triggering your child is. So we want to, we all have one child that triggers us more than the other. Most of us do, yes, and so, so the other, the other tool that I teach to people, and this is one a lot of people do know, but if they don't know it. It is amazing at rewiring your brain when it's when you're dysregulated, the box breathing, or it's also called square breathing. What is that? So it's used by the Navy SEALs in moments of extreme, you know, stress or distress. It is very simple. It's four or five breaths in, inhale, hold at the top, four to five breaths and all it's all consistent. So if you choose four, then stick with four throughout the whole box. Okay? So inhale, four, hold four at the top. Exhale, for, hold, for, inhale for it's a cycle so you inhale, hold, exhale, hold, all on the same count. Wow. And that rewires your brain from a dysregulated place to a much more regulated place. Interesting. I'm gonna try that. It is really magical. My husband, I always, I always assume that people know about it, and so I don't. I'm not gonna assume anymore, because it's even if they do. It's a great reminder. I've never heard of
it. Okay.
Michelle Robertson
No, this is magical. And whenever I'm talking to people, he's like, remember to talk about box breathing, because I taught it to him. And he's like, him. And he's like, it's so, I mean, it really does. It makes such a difference. Do 10 rounds of box breathing, and you are, you're like, Okay, I can do this. Like your your regulation has come back online, and it's, it's pretty, pretty magical. Those are two easy things to to do, Wow, very easy things. Walk away is a big one. Yeah, we don't, we don't give ourselves the grace sometimes to walk away.
Serina Dansker
That's true. That's really true, you know, because we feel like we have to finish it, you know. Yeah, it's, you know, it's, that's, you know, fight or flight instinct. Sometimes, when you feel like you're being attacked, right? You're
Michelle Robertson
exactly right. And that is biological. So what happens in our brain is we have this little bean size thing in our brain called the amygdala, and when it is activated in a moment of stress, that is what our brain goes to, is fight or flight. So to get out of those fight or flight moments when we're triggered. Those are some tools for doing it. Wow, but you do have to have the intentionality and the awareness of what's happening
Serina Dansker
that, yeah, that's key, right?
Michelle Robertson
It's, it's, it's critical. It's really critical. How
Serina Dansker
can a parent tell if they're starting to shift from the constant stress to More Confidence. Can they? You know, is there something that that will signal you or,
Michelle Robertson
I mean, I think it takes a lot of practice, yeah, but I'll my my client, who I was referring to before, who talks about margin. I mean, she is, like, my best case study. I'm so proud of her. She went from just a panicked woman who was like completely overwhelmed by so much going on and she has just built such a practice of intentionality. She has noticed how important self care is. She has noticed her own reactions to things that are so triggering to her. And one thing we haven't talked about is control. So many times we feel like we we need control. We want to be in control. We want to control the outcome. And when I work with parents, we talk about all the things that are triggering, and we throw it up on a whiteboard, and they're all so completely valid. Like, you know, they're everything that they say is 1,000,000% valid of why they would be triggered by these things. It could be like, my kid won't get up to go to school. My kid is never on time. My kid never does his homework. He's disrespectful. He, you know, all these things that are like, 100% triggering and valid. We talk about, can you, what can you do to control these things, right? Right? And most of the time, the only thing you can do to control the situation is how you respond, Yes, because the more you fight, the more it escalates.
Serina Dansker
Oh, boy, I tell you, that is so true. It
Michelle Robertson
is. And we think we have to fight, fight, fight, and we're going to somehow win a fight around these really hard behaviors. And if you can shift your thinking and your mindset to I'm not going to fight it anymore. The kid can have natural consequences. He doesn't do his homework. The consequences are held at school, right? Or there are consequences that we can hold, but it's not going to be a fight, right? I'm because that that will not end well, no, 99% of the time. So what can I do? I can walk away. I can square breathe, put my hand on my heart. No yoga class. I can, you know, I can take care of myself and show my child that he can also take care of himself. That's,
Serina Dansker
that's amazing. I mean, that's, that's, it's, I've embraced more and more of you know, you can't control other people. You can only control your reaction to them, and it's something I didn't learn for for 50 years. It's
Michelle Robertson
not taught to us, no.
Serina Dansker
And it's such a powerful lesson. It really is. It is a powerful lesson.
Michelle Robertson
And I and I think why? One of the reasons it's so hard for us, and I hear so many people say, this is, I listen to my parents. Yeah, like many of us, like what our parents said was what we did. We they were the authority, and we followed their direction, and, and, and, you know, nine times out of 10 that was the case in our generation and the generation before ours, our parents generation, like, right? It was, it was their way or the highway. Yeah. Now it's not like that. And I don't know why. I really don't know why, but what I do know is that the way that we were parented, the model that we were taught to follow, is pretty irrelevant. Now it just doesn't work in this day and age.
Serina Dansker
Yeah, it's so true. I mean, if you could invent one parenting gadget for today's world that actually worked,
Michelle Robertson
what would it do? Oh, God, it'd be like magic.
Serina Dansker
Sure.
Michelle Robertson
Is time and just like, go back in time. Oh gosh, oxygen mask. You know, I always this is a very this is kind of a but it is it. It's a cliche for a reason, the put your own oxygen mask before assisting others. Yes, if there was one that just dropped out of the ceiling when we needed it, that wouldn't be right, like it knew, like it was, like, something that we wear, it's a wearable, and like it triggers, like it's triggered when we're triggered, but we don't know we're triggered yet. Our brain doesn't know, but the oxygen mask does, so it just drops down and, like, the energy,
Serina Dansker
the energy around, you know? So then all of a
Michelle Robertson
sudden, okay, I need to breathe now.
Serina Dansker
Because you sometimes you're so in the moment, you can't even realize that you do. You need to breathe and, and it's so important, because if you are not calm and, or you're not in a coming from a good place, you're not going to be much help to anyone else, right? So true. You know
Michelle Robertson
who I'm thinking of right now I'm thinking of Jonathan, uh huh, when he says, breathe. Yes. It is not something that we remember to do, which is so weird, because it is so the reason that we are alive is through our breath. It is so critical to our existence. But sometimes we hold our breath, especially
Serina Dansker
so what Michelle is referring to is she and I sometimes will play tennis together, and we get in those heated moments where we're trying to, you know, have this great rally and win the point. And our coach, Jonathan, would always say, remember to breathe, and we're turning red because we're holding our breath. And it's true. Yes,
Michelle Robertson
it's so true. Shout out to Jonathan. Why is Jonathan?
Serina Dansker
Oh, that's so funny. But yeah, you know it's funny because you know, for us, you know, success in that moment in tennis is you're just so focused, like the focus that you don't you don't even realize what you're doing. And if you transfer that to being a parent, you know, let's talk about defining success as a parent, or redefining that success as a parent, right? You know, and what that really would mean for a parent. Can we talk about that a little bit
Michelle Robertson
worse? Yes. I mean, I think when you're when you're a young parent, you are your your child's success
Serina Dansker
equates to your success like potty training and things
Michelle Robertson
like, things like that. Like, little milestones are like, Okay, I did that. I taught them to pee, I taught them I'm a potty. I I taught them to speak, I taught and then, as they get older, oh, they made good grades. That's because I'm such a great parent. Oh, they, you know, they're on the honor roll. They made the they're starting on lacrosse team. What do you I mean, we do we like and we feel pride, and a lot of us, even though many wouldn't admit it, are, like, I did a good job here, and by the way, you did, congratulations. Like, it's so great. It is awesome, but that is not your relationship with your child, and that where is where I think success lies in their how you relate to your child, regardless of where they are in life, regardless of their you know, like failing out of college, does he or she know that you love them? Does he or she know that they're that's that love is unconditional? Does he or she? Is he or she able to talk to you and confide in you without feeling judged, without feeling you know more of failure if they're already feeling that way? I think it's the tough moments where where you kind of earn your medal in parenting. It's the it's the moments where you want to show up based on who you are, from a values perspective, not who your parents were, not who your model was, but like who that inner voice tells you you are, who you know to be, even your soul and the way that your relationship is with your child is what we all want in the end, right? We want a positive we want to relate positively. We want to laugh and have fun. And it's not always going to be like that. No, we're not perfect, you know? No, it's absolutely, I mean, people annoy one another, and that's just
Serina Dansker
part of life. It's true. It's true. But by and
Michelle Robertson
large, your child feels loved, and you relate to them, and they relate to you, and you have a relationship. It's not about how well they did in school. It's not about how well they did on the sports field. It's not about, you know, anything other than your relationship.
Serina Dansker
And you know that it's true, it's relationship is everything. And you know, how can a parent support their child without, you know, especially the teenagers, their independence, without micromanaging them. I see it like I'm part of the college groups. And I see so many parents that, you know, have like everything done, doing everything for these teens or young adults. Quite honestly, you know, they're, they're late teens, early 20s, and, you know, a lot of the comments I see that come back is let them figure it out. But you know, how would you encourage a parent or a parent to support their child that way without micromanaging them? You know?
Michelle Robertson
Yeah, I mean, it's one of the hardest things in the whole world. I am a recovering swooper. I I am so guilty of doing too much for my kids, especially when you see your kids struggle. Like my ability to be comfortable with my kids discomfort is really subpar, like I and I feel like a lot of people feel that they are like, I'll just do it for them, so that my discomfort is well, right?
Serina Dansker
Because you don't want to see them struggling or straight out and
Michelle Robertson
yeah, if you can name that and say, this is about me and not about them, that's a big first step. It's hard to watch your kids struggle and know the answer and not tell them the answer, or do it for them, because you want them to succeed,
Serina Dansker
right? And if you see a child slipping or or going down a path, that's, you know, yeah, not ideal, you know, or you know, wasn't it my plan? You know, you know. What do you what do you say to that parent? It's like, you know, how do you let the kid fail? Do you feel let your kid fail? Yeah,
Michelle Robertson
well, I mean, I think that's where third parties come in, if you get to if it's a path that you know, you really are feeling ill equipped to handle on your own right. Zero to zero shame in calling in the expert. Now, whether or not your child will will engage with the expert, that's one thing, but what you can do is engage with an expert. So like I have calls from people saying, Will you work with my child? Will you fix my child? And I'll say to them, let's talk about you first, right? Because what I learned along the way is that I had to fix me and the way that I related to my kids before anything could be done with them. I had to fix my own approach and how I reacted before, especially if a kid is like, yeah, okay, you're making me go to therapy, but I'm just gonna sit there the whole time. You know what? I mean? Yes, so so much of the work can be done by the parent. But I think, yeah, when you do feel ill equipped, and you feel like the child is going down the wrong path, you it's, it's as important for you to get the support that you need as a parent as as it is for your your child to get the support. And then I think it's setting boundaries that you will hold, because that's sometimes the very, very hardest thing for a parent, is saying, These are my these are the boundaries, and then not moving on them, like that's that's it, and you're on, you're in lockstep with your partner, your spouse, with what those are, yes, and they're understood by the child and the consequences understood. Yeah, a lot of times it really helps if you sit down have the discussion, because a lot of times we don't talk to them. We don't we don't tell them what the expectation is, and communicate. We take communication for granted. So if you can communicate with your child and say, This is the rule in our house, because this and it's if you can say because, and give it a reason that's based on your values, right? Because, you know, my value is honesty, and you don't take $20 out of my purse, it's not okay. So when I, when I, you know when, when you do that, this is the consequence, and it's the consequence that you will follow up on this consequence, that will always be the consequence. And so I think holding boundaries is something we all struggle with and and really kind of being very thoughtful about what boundaries you're setting and holding, sometimes the boundaries you think you should be holding aren't that important, and when you have too many so I'll give an example. I have a client who really wants everyone around the table every night for dinner, and the older your kids get, it's harder to do that. Yeah, and and and I said, Why is it important to you? Because it I completely if it's, if it's something that's like, value based. That isn't about like, that isn't about what you did growing up. Because, as I said, like, what we did growing up is kind of irrelevant now, right? Having if it's causing an argument constantly and lack of peace in the house, right, isn't really important. Like question those things and then base your base your boundaries and your non negotiables on the things that truly are important. That takes a lot of thought. It takes some journaling, maybe some coaching, some therapy. You know, whatever it is, it's interesting.
Serina Dansker
The mindset, right? Mindset shift.
Michelle Robertson
If you have to have a growth mindset when it comes to parenting, yeah, when you have a fixed mindset, you're like, Well, my dad yelled at me, so I'm going to yell at my kids, right, right? How I Learned to parent, and so that's how I parent. That's very fixed.
Serina Dansker
And especially if one parent is stuck doing it one way and the other parents willing to pivot, you have that dynamic as well. You know? Yeah, it's, it's it's not easy. Parenting is definitely not there. Doesn't come with instructions. And you know what works for one child doesn't necessarily work for the other child.
Michelle Robertson
That's so true because because of the gosh darn nature versus nurture thing, they are born unique beings. You have no control over it. And it's so crazy that like this, these two totally different people can come out of the same DNA. Crazy it is. I, I wrote a blog that was published in a publication called modern women, called and the title is mom and ain't easy. I've heard it, but I don't think our audience has, okay, well, I bought a, I bought a greeting card, like 10 years ago, and it's really cute. It was in this cute little shop in our town that's no longer there. It makes me very sad. And it and it basically said, Mommin’ ain't easy. And I was like, Oh, I'll be able to give this to someone next week. It's sitting in my card file. Now I have, like, I'm a dork with cards. I keep them and, like, pull a pull one out when I need one. Anyway, 10 years later, it's still sitting in my in my card file, and it is, like, the most universal feeling and, and everyone knows it's not easy, but like, I think the reason I've never gave it to anyone was I didn't want anyone to feel exposed like I I see that you're having trouble, because we want it to look so seamless and easy, and it's so not. I don't know why we feel like we have to pretend that it is. But for some reason, where we live, and I don't know if this is everywhere, but I think it might be in way more places than where we live. Yes, it is. Everyone's pretending to have it all together.
Serina Dansker
And it's crazy, right?
Michelle Robertson
It's it is hard, mommin’ ain't easy, no?
Serina Dansker
And it's not. And, you know, I would love you to let us know or Or what do you want every parent listening? Maybe to walk away with today, just one thing,
Michelle Robertson
most of all, is to take care of yourself. If nothing else. Let it be a reminder to care for yourself. Put that oxygen mask on, breathe, meditate. I know that's some people have a really hard time with that. Take the time to tap into that wise inner voice and that above anything else, is caring for yourself. Sometimes that can be on a massage table. Sometimes that could be in a pedicure chair. Sometimes that can be, you know, going away for a weekend by yourself,
Michelle Robertson
Yes, yes. Or even just reading a great book, going and lying down on the sofa and reading a book, you know? So one client who she's like, sometimes I just go to my closet with a glass of wine.
Serina Dansker
There you go.
Michelle Robertson
Totally fine. Totally fine. Like, just take that time, take your space, because you are benefiting your child. When you do that, when you care for yourself, you're caring for your child,
Serina Dansker
it's so true. It is, and it just, I embrace self, love, you know, sometimes just taking, you know, a moment and going to a thrift shop and just browsing around or doing things just just to recharge the batteries.
Michelle Robertson
Yeah, whatever it is for you. There's no one size fits all. It's whatever works for you.
Serina Dansker
Yeah, yeah. That's that's so beautiful, Michelle. And every show that I do, I usually end with one of my son, scotty's poems. And this one, I think, relates to what our children go through, and he was only 15 when he wrote it, but it's so powerful, and it's the way I feel can't be described into words or rhymes Get with the times the kids I once knew or developing, not relishing in the innocence they once had. And I can't handle the weight on my shoulders, as heavy as boulders that pull me down to the ground, making me pinned flat down, losing air as lies fill my lungs, my body speaks the opposite of my mind. I can't take control of the situation at hand. For my body and mind don't communicate. They can't agree on a compromise, so therefore can't synchronize. I mean, this kid just puts into these words so powerful. You can feel it. You know what they struggle with. Serena, I know it's just, but it's you know. And if you could take a moment and realize that this is what these little people or young people or or our peers are going through, and just hold space. Hold space for them, I think is something we don't do enough, you know. And Michelle, this has just been a full of wisdom, laughter and a great talk with you. And thank you so much. You remind us that parenting is not about perfection. It's about being present, right?
Michelle Robertson
Progress over perfection, presence over perfection.
Serina Dansker
I love that, yes, and for anyone that wants to learn more or work with you, Michelle, how can they reach you? Sure
Michelle Robertson
my my website is MichelleRobertsonCoaching.com that's great. And there, you'll see how to reach me there, and I'm it brings me great joy to help other people so
Serina Dansker
Oh, and you are so full of light and love. And to our listeners, thank you so much for tuning in today. I would love if you could rate the show. If you want to donate that would be most appreciated. Remember, SOS stories of survivors, where survival sparks the sparks the soul. Thank you again for joining us today, and we'll see you soon. Bye. Bye.
Comments