When Motherhood Feels Oppressive

How Parents Feeling Stuck Can Find Fulfillment Faster Than I Did

(Originally Published in Modern Women)

I’m going to be honest and risk the judgment of those who believe motherhood is the ultimate fulfillment for a woman. Yes, being a mother is an amazing privilege — bringing humans into the world, loving your kids with all your heart, and watching them grow is an indescribable joy. My kids are my greatest source of happiness (and anxiety), and the greatest thing I’ve ever done. But here’s the hard truth: for me, while I wouldn’t trade it for anything, motherhood alone wasn’t enough.

Between toddlerhood and the mid-teenage years, I found parenting to be deeply challenging, often tedious, and — gasp — not entirely fulfilling. In fact, I felt stuck and downright uninspired — as well as guilty for not being more grateful for all that I did have!

I poured myself into parenting, trying to be everything my family needed, but the truth was, I was lost. My sense of self-worth had become entirely dependent on how my kids responded to me and how others judged me as a parent. I was running on empty and was starting to accept that I needed to make a serious change if I didn’t want to become bitter, angry, and resentful.

Fear: The Ultimate Foil to Fulfillment

In hindsight, my concern for other’s opinions was way out of whack, which is not an uncommon experience, according to a 2023 report by Pew Research.

But more importantly, if I’m honest, I’m permanently concerned about my kids’ mental health, and I’d venture to say that I’m not alone. When the CDC reports that 40 percent of high school students experience persistent feelings of hopelessness and sadness, our amygdalas (the part of the brain that operates our fight or flight response) fire, and if we’re not careful we can end up in a permanent place of panic. It’s no wonder the Surgeon General issued a public health advisory warning of unhealthy levels of parenting-induced stress.

Parents today are working harder than ever to meet impossible standards, a far cry from the free-range upbringing many of us Gen-Xers experienced. The result: a public health advisory from the U.S. surgeon general — the first of its kind about parenting-induced stress!

No one prepares us for how actually toxic parenting anxiety can be, which is why it’s more important than ever to take care of ourselves and speak the truth about the worry and fear that are real. By showing it daylight, we can take a huge step forward in quelling it. As one of my favorite therapists used to say: Name it to tame it! (Keep reading about how coaching helped me.)

Worried and Hormonal: A Toxic Cocktail

The Silent Struggles of Middle Age

I was on a treadmill of over-trying, completely unfulfilled and worried all the time. This period also coincided with the beginning of perimenopause for me. So much of the optimism and positivity I had in my younger years had seemingly vanished as I lived for everyone except myself. I had become rudderless and stuck in stagnation. My soul was in crisis.

It’s well-documented that the nosedive of one’s hormones during perimenopause directly correlates with increased feelings of anxiety, depression, and listlessness (among other things). Couple this with the constant concerns for your children and that pesky fear of judgment, and you’ve got a pretty toxic cocktail.

What’s more, the Surgeon General emphasizes that when parents struggle with their mental health, it negatively impacts their children’s mental health, creating a vicious cycle that any parent would want to avoid. (Read: take steps to care for yourself!)

My First Step Toward Change: Calm and Coaching

Out of desperation, I began exploring new paths. My journey started with qigong, an ancient Chinese meditation-movement practice that helped me find balance and calm. It was my first tiny taste of a spiritual practice outside of the Christian framework I grew up with, and it cracked me open to new ways of seeing the world — and myself.

From there, a friend recommended a coaching group designed to help women rediscover themselves. Skeptical but desperate, I joined. That decision was a MAJOR catalyst for change for me.

My coach guided me to explore my values, strengths, and passions. She introduced me to the concept of manifesting — dreaming unapologetically and believing in the possibility of creating a life that feels aligned and joyful.

Breaking Free from Limiting Beliefs

I was raised in a faith in God and always felt deeply grateful for what I had. But, striving for more than I “deserved” felt selfish. My upbringing instilled strong values like gratitude and serving others, and it also came with a heavy dose of guilt and shame for wanting too much and focusing on myself. Through coaching, I began to challenge these beliefs and listen to the quieter, wiser voice inside me — my intuition.

I named that voice Wendy. She’s the opposite of my Inner Critic (named Bree), who loves to tell me to play small and avoid rocking the boat. Listening to Wendy required practice, quiet reflection and meditation, and the courage to unapologetically speak and write my desires.

As I shifted focus to care for myself and looked at what I wanted out of life, I was able to quell the constant worry that I felt. Redirecting my energy to building my own fulfillment made a huge difference, and I believe the reduction in helicoptering I was doing “for” my kids made them less anxious. After all, a parent’s anxiety begets a child’s anxiety. (See aforementioned Surgeon General warning.)

A parent’s anxiety begets a child’s anxiety.

Writing My Vision and Making it a Reality

Four years ago, I wrote a vision statement as part of my coaching work. I was instructed to write as if it was already happening — it wasn’t yet — and to dream big — nothing was off the table. It read:

“I help people trust their instincts and follow their hearts through a professional life-coaching business. My work allows me the flexibility to prioritize my family while helping others rediscover their joy and purpose. I lead transformative groups, fostering community and connection. I am able to see the water every day, and I live with intention, saying no to what doesn’t serve me.”

Today, nearly every part of that vision has come true. It didn’t happen overnight, but building on the beliefs I was raised in, breaking past limiting beliefs, and committing to making a change, I was able to transform a life of worry and stagnation to a life of fulfillment and joy in helping others. I manifested it — with the help of God, the Universe, and personal commitment. I went back to school to earn my coaching certification and now I help other people who feel stuck like I did. It is what I was called to do, and I would never have figured it out if I hadn’t been able to discover and listen to “Wendy” and my intuition.

“Now I help other people who feel stuck like I did.”

The Shift from Thermometer to Thermostat

A friend recently shared a video where a man described the difference between being a thermometer and a thermostat (see below). A thermometer reacts to its environment, while a thermostat sets the temperature. For much of my life, I was a thermometer — adapting, pleasing, and blending in. But midlife brought the realization that I didn’t want to live on autopilot anymore.

Through coaching, I learned how to step into the role of a thermostat — to set the tone for my life, guided by intuition and aligned with my soul’s purpose.

You Can Do It Too

Parenting is the toughest role we’ll ever have the privilege of doing. It’s also a marathon not a sprint. How will you care for yourself so you can hit the tape and be ready for more? Life can shift from oppressive to expansive when you dare to dream big, listen to your inner wisdom, and take intentional action.

We get one life. Isn’t it better to let your soul whispers guide you than to live under the thumb of your Inner Critic?

If you feel stuck, know this: change is possible. You don’t have to do it alone. I relied on the support of mental health providers for myself and my family, and ultimately coaching was instrumental in helping me find my way forward. Now, it’s my honor to help others do the same. If you’re ready to stop reacting and start creating the life you were meant to live, let’s talk. Want a roadmap to start thinking about this on your own? Click here for my free workbook to help you vision, plan and achieve your dreams.