One Size Doesn’t Fit All: Parenting for Independence When Your Child Has PDA

Most parenting advice assumes a typical developmental arc: we guide our kids when they’re little, and gradually step back as they grow. We’re told to stop “meddling” and let them learn through experience. And often, we’re reminded that the goal is to raise confident, capable, independent humans.

But what if your child doesn’t fit that mold?

It's difficult to know how to parent a child with Pathological Demand Avoidance when traditional guidelines don't apply.

For parents of children with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)—a condition characterized by extreme anxiety around everyday expectations—traditional parenting approaches can backfire. Encouraging independence the usual way may actually increase distress, trigger meltdowns, and damage trust.

Here’s why that is—and how parenting for independence looks very different (but no less important) when PDA is part of the picture.

What is PDA?

PDA involves:

• Intense resistance to everyday demands, even those the child might want to meet

• High anxiety, often masked by avoidance, controlling behavior, or what can appear as manipulation

• An extreme need for autonomy and control

• Meltdowns or shutdowns when demands become overwhelming

  
  

It’s important to understand that PDA is not a behavior problem—it’s a nervous system response. Children with PDA aren't choosing defiance. They're trying to protect themselves from feelings of panic triggered by perceived loss of control.

🔗 More on PDA from the PDA Society (UK)

The Questions Parents Ask

Many parents—especially of teens and young adults—ask themselves:

• Is my child asking for help, or am I imposing it?

• Does my involvement help them grow in confidence and ability?

• Am I stepping in out of love—or out of fear, anxiety, or control?

  
  

These are thoughtful, important questions. But for a child with PDA, they need to be reframed through the lens of safety and nervous system regulation.

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Traditional Parenting vs. PDA-Informed Parenting

Here’s how typical advice compares to a PDA-sensitive approach:

Traditional Parenting (Neurotypical)	PDA-Informed Parenting
“Let them try it themselves.”	“This might feel like too much. Want to do it your way?”
“Natural consequences build resilience.”	“Avoiding overwhelm builds trust.”
“Give them independence to build confidence.”	“Preserve autonomy to reduce anxiety.”
“Step back so they can step up.”	“Stay close so they feel safe enough to choose.”

In other words, your presence, your flexibility, and your emotional co-regulation are still teaching independence—just on your child’s timeline, and in a way that respects their neurology.

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Reframing the Questions

If your child has PDA, try asking:

• Is my presence lowering anxiety—or adding pressure?

• Does this preserve trust and autonomy?

• Am I respecting their need for control as a form of safety?

  
  

These shifts don’t mean we stop nurturing growth. It means we grow differently—through partnership, creativity, and compassion.

What the Experts Say

Several experts are shaping our understanding of PDA and low-demand parenting:

🔹 Dr. Ross Greene

Clinical child psychologist and author of The Explosive Child and Raising Human Beings. Greene’s Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS) model emphasizes that “kids do well if they can,” and that lagging skills—not bad behavior—drive challenging actions.🔗 Lives in the Balance

🔹 Dr. Naomi Fisher

Clinical psychologist and author of Changing Our Minds: How Children Can Take Control of Their Own Learning, Fisher explores how traditional models of discipline and education often fail neurodivergent children—including those with PDA—and supports a low-demand, autonomy-first approach.

🔹 Harry Thompson

Autistic PDAer and author of The PDA Paradox. Thompson promotes a “non-coercive” model of care, advocating for pressure-free environments that reduce anxiety and allow relationships to thrive.🔗 The PDA Paradox on Amazon

Final Thought

Parenting a child with PDA requires courage, creativity, and deep compassion.-- and a whole lot of self-care! You may find yourself walking a path that looks different from your peers. But that’s okay.

Just remember: this isn't easy-- especially if you're going it alone. Make sure you're getting the support YOU need and deserve. I'd love to help you and am just a click away.

Remember, you’re not giving up on independence.You’re just getting there by another route: One where your child doesn’t have to fight for control—because you’re already offering it freely, with love. You are not alone.