Why Your Social Health Is Just as Important as Going to the Gym

Friends pretending we are our daughters at the prom.

When Lisa B, a member of one of my M&M groups, brought up a recent episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast about adult friendship during one of our meetings, I knew I needed to have a listen. I'm glad I did — because it prompted me into immediate action.

Here's why it hit close to home: if you're anything like me, making time for friends during this season of life can be genuinely hard — juggling kids, aging parents, quality time with spouses, careers, households... Friendship can start to feel like a luxury. And it's true that the criteria for what a real friend even is shifts as we move into midlife. Time grows shorter. We get more discerning about how we spend our precious free time.

But this podcast made me get honest with myself.

I know I can be more proactive. I know that I sometimes place an outsized value on recharging. But Mel asked a question I thought was important: how often is that "recharging" time actually spent doing things that are the opposite of restorative? Scrolling. Manufacturing something new to stress about. Staying productive in ways that don't actually fill us back up.

The podcast featured Harvard-trained social scientist Kasley Killam, who has spent 15 years studying human connection. The data she shared was a bit startling:

Young people today spend nearly 1,000 fewer hours per year with friends compared to 20 years ago — that's roughly 25 full workweeks, gone. And 72% of Americans hang out with the people they care about two times, one time, or zero times per month.

It made me wonder: how guilty am I of this?

When was the last time you actually sat with someone you love and felt genuinely seen? If you had to think about that for a second, you're clearly not alone.

We are in a loneliness epidemic — and most of us don't even realize we're part of it, because being busy has become our default state.

Social Health: The Pillar We've Been Ignoring

We talk a lot about physical health. We track our steps, sign up for yoga, stress about what we eat. Mental health awareness has come a long way too — therapy and coaching are no longer taboo, and conversations about mindset and emotional wellness are everywhere.

But there's a third pillar that's been quietly crumbling for most of us: social health.

Kasley defines social health as the dimension of your overall well-being that comes specifically from your relationships. Think of it like a Greek temple — physical, mental, and social pillars holding up your life. Remove one, and the whole structure becomes unstable.

Last year, the World Health Organization formally announced that social health is equally important as physical and mental health. This isn't soft science. This is medicine.

When you feel chronically disconnected, your body registers it as stress — releasing cortisol, increasing inflammation, and making you more susceptible to illness and disease. On the flip side, supportive relationships and physical touch (yes, even hugs) trigger oxytocin, buffer against stress, and literally strengthen your immune system.

One study tracked participants for two weeks, measuring how supported they felt and how many hugs they received — then exposed them to a cold virus. Those who felt more connected were less likely to get sick, and if they did, they had fewer symptoms.

The research on loneliness goes even further: chronic isolation is associated with a significantly higher risk of heart disease, diabetes, dementia, and premature death — with some studies estimating its impact on mortality is comparable to smoking.

This is not about having a good mood. This is about how long and how well you live.

The Excuses We All Make (Including Me)

Here's where I want to get personal with you, because I think the most powerful thing we can do is be honest.

Most of us aren't avoiding connection because life is genuinely impossible. We're avoiding it because of excuses that feel legitimate in the moment but don't hold up when we look at them clearly.

Some of the most common ones I hear — and have said myself:

• "I'm tired ."

• "I need me time."

• "My social battery is drained."

• "I'm stressed right now."

• "I'd rather stay home."

• "I want to be with my family."

Here's the counterintuitive truth the research keeps revealing: the very thing you're avoiding is the antidote.

There's a well-documented phenomenon called the stress-buffering hypothesis — the idea that being with other people literally quells the biological stress response in your body. When you cancel dinner with a friend because you're burnt out, you're turning away from the exact medicine your nervous system is craving. Even introverts.

We know this from experience, don't we? You drag yourself out on a Friday night, convinced you have nothing to give, and you come home feeling more like yourself than you have all week.

We don't give ourselves credit for how much we need connection, and we often don't give ourselves permission to prioritize it.

We frame staying home as self-care, when sometimes it's just self-protection dressed up in cozy clothes.

You don't have to overhaul your entire life when you stretch your social muscles. You just have to say yes to one thing.

That said — there is a difference between an excuse and a genuine need. If you're in a season of real burnout, or spending time with people who don't feel safe or nourishing, those are valid reasons to protect your energy. But if you're honest about the ratio of excuses to legitimate needs? Most of us will find the excuses are winning by a landslide.

The 5-3-1 Formula

If you're wondering what "enough" connection actually looks like, here's a simple framework from Kasley's research to start with:

5 — Interact with at least 5 different people each week. Diverse relationships matter. Don't let your partner, your kids, or your one best friend be your entire social world.

3 — Maintain at least 3 close relationships. These are your people — the ones who know what's really going on with you.

1 — Spend 1 hour per day connecting. This doesn't mean a single deep, uninterrupted hour. It means that across your whole day — a quick phone call on your commute, a real conversation at lunch, a check-in text that turns into a voice note — you're accumulating moments of genuine human contact.

One hour. You're probably already closer to it than you think. And the places you're falling short are likely the places worth paying attention to.

What Actually Deepens Connection

Knowledge matters, but connection is built in action. A few of the most research-backed ways to strengthen your relationships:

• Ask better questions. Most of our conversations stay at the surface. "How are you?" rarely goes anywhere. But "What's been weighing on you lately?" or "What are you most proud of right now?" — those are invitations into something real. Get curious. Then actually listen.

  
  

• Go for connection first. When you have five minutes, before you reach for your phone to scroll, send a voice note to someone you've been thinking about. A 10-minute phone call can meaningfully reduce loneliness. Not a three-hour heart-to-heart — just a human voice saying I was thinking about you.

  
  

• Put it on the calendar. The biggest lie adult friendship tells us is that it should happen organically. I'm all for the spontaneous plan that comes together at the last minute...But mostly? You have to schedule it and treat it like the appointment it is. A monthly Zoom date, a standing walk with a neighbor, a book club that gets you out of the house — these "autopilot" touchpoints are often what keep relationships alive across the years. 

  
  

• Do something outside of the box with a group. Shared experiences are one of the primary ingredients for building friendship. Find something you love that involves other people — a hiking group, a creative class, a volunteer commitment. You arrive already having something in common, and the activity itself takes the pressure off. Lisa G in one of my groups said yes to a dance class that connected her to people she’s built real connection with– this class created a team that went on to win the top award at a local parade, beating out even the local high schools' dance troupes.  She took one small,"audacious" step — and it was a positive impetus for other fun and joy in her life. That's not a coincidence. That's connection doing its work.

You're More Liked Than You Think

One last piece of research I want to leave you with, because it might be the most useful thing you read today and is something my client Becca made in our last group call:

People like you way more than you think they do!

Studies show that when two people interact, each person consistently underestimates how much the other person likes them — even when an outside observer could clearly see the connection forming. We also consistently underestimate how much someone would appreciate hearing from us.

Our self-view gets so distorted, is so harsh and so much harder on ourselves than anyone else is. We filter our own image through the lens of our pesky inner critic, and then we project that same distortion onto how other people see us. (See "Meet Your Inner Critic: The Voice that's Been Running Your Life...)

But here's what the research says: they see you more clearly than you see yourself. And they like what they see.

My client Julie put it perfectly with her mantra for when comparison starts to steal her joy: I'm here. I'm doing it. I'm making progress. I'm one inch closer to what I want. That's the antidote — not just to comparison, but to the voice that says you're too much, too little, too late, too tired.

Not only do people like you, they're also happier to hear from you than you expect. The reach-out that feels vulnerable or awkward to send is almost always received with warmth on the other end.

Your social anxiety, your self-consciousness, your fear that you're "too much" or "not enough" — these are real feelings, but they are not accurate information. 

This Is a Practice, Not a Project

What I keep coming back to — both in Kasley's research and in what I witness every day with my clients — is that none of this happens in a single breakthrough moment. It happens in the accumulation of small, brave choices. Lisa in joining the dance troupe. Julie interrupting the comparison spiral and calling it a win.

Together, we're reminding each other that we don't have to do everything. We just have to keep taking the next brave step — and notice the good things often enough that they finally start to outweigh the old stories.

That's what social health actually looks like in practice. Not a perfect social life. Not a full calendar. Just a commitment to keep showing up — for others, and for yourself.

Your social health isn't a nice-to-have. It's a pillar. And just like you can get physically stronger at any age, you can become more socially healthy right now — one phone call, one honest conversation, one reached-out hand at a time.

The village isn't something you find. It's something you build.

If this resonated with you, I'd love to hear what it brought up. And if there's someone in your life you've been meaning to reach out to — maybe let this be the nudge.

Sources & Further Reading

The research and frameworks in this post were drawn from the Mel Robbins Podcast episode "Harvard Researcher Reveals the Secret to Making Friends as an Adult" featuring social scientist Kasley Killam. You can listen to the full episode at melrobbins.com.

Kasley Killam is the author of The Art and Science of Connection: Why Social Health Is the Missing Key to Living Longer, Healthier, and Happier. Learn more about her work at kasleykillam.com.

Looking for a Village?

If this resonates — if you're craving authentic connection with a group of women who show up for each other, ask the real questions, and keep taking the next brave step together — I new Manifestation & Momentum groups start in June and September. Click image below for more information.

Looking for a Getaway?

For the woman looking for an intentional and transformational experience as she enters 2027. A space to reset your nervous system, reconnect with what matters most to you, and get honest about what you want for your one wild and precious life — and what may need to shift to make that possible.  All in the company of other remarkable, like-minded women.

Click Here for More Info on Retreat